How to achieve an Amicable Divorce

Amicable divorces are not always easy as emotions are often running high after a marital breakdown. However, it is not impossible and some of our tips, as laid out below, may be able to help.

Why Bother Trying?

You Both Benefit

Working together for the benefit of the family is less detrimental to all involved, particularly any children of the family, than entering into inflammatory and disrespectful communications which lead to each party taking an entrenched, rather than a flexible, approach to trying to reach agreement. Nobody says it is easy, but it is certainly worth it in terms of how you will come out the other side of the process, both emotionally and financially.

Contentious divorces are emotionally taxing, not only for the parties but also for any children caught in the middle. Close family and friends often also become emotionally involved which impacts on their own wellbeing.

If entrenched positions lead to Court proceedings, then both parties may feel that they no longer have any control over outcome which could have been retained had the parties taken a more collaborative approach to reaching a settlement.

In contrast, amicable divorces are more likely to result in an agreed Order being sent to a Judge for approval rather than Court proceedings where both parties have to attend Court Hearings to battle out their respective positions supported by their legal teams.

The Children Benefit

Keeping a divorce amicable is particularly important when there are children involved. The children do pick up on the emotions of their parents and co-operating parents can make a huge difference to the emotional wellbeing of their children post-separation.

Children should not feel as if they have to pick a side and are not responsible for their parent’s emotions, but this often gets lost in the midst of conflict between the parents.

Amicable separations lead to stability and consistency for children and can avoid Court proceedings which will inevitably upset and scare children who may believe it is their fault their parents are in Court proceedings.

Amicable divorces lead to parents that can communicate effectively with each other and with their children. This leads to more effective co-parenting and more positive outcomes for the children.

Read more about the children benefit here.

You Save Money

The legal fees associated with litigation can escalate quickly.

Contested Court proceedings lead to delay in finalising arrangements for the children and in relation to a financial settlement and ultimately divorce.

The parties are, therefore, stuck, unable to move forwards, until the various proceedings conclude. In the meantime, any children of the family may also be in limbo.

Alternatively, where you are able to effectively communicate to agree matters, a divorce is achievable in a much shorter time, for example, within 6 months.

There will always be some expense associated with the divorce process, but by having amicable, constructive negotiations you will avoid excessive legal costs: money which could have been retained for the family.

Is An Amicable Divorce Realistic?

There are circumstances where an amicable divorce may feel impossible.

For example, if there has been domestic abuse or extra-marital affairs. However, it is still not impossible. A lot depends upon the personalities involved.

However, it may well be unlikely in circumstances where one spouse simply refuses to communicate or is quick to anger and appears to enjoy the ‘fight’. In such cases, it may be easier to get legal advice so that a third party can deal with the other party for you, particularly if you are feeling bullied by your spouse.

How Do I Secure An Amicable Divorce?

There are various things you can do to give yourself the best change of securing an amicable divorce. For example:

Talk About How You Are Feeling

Individual or family counselling can be invaluable. Even in the case of an amicable divorce, there will still be a lot of emotions to work though as a result of the relationship breaking down. You may also find it useful to have someone to talk to during the divorce process because regardless of what you hope to achieve, compromises will need to be made.

The earlier you deal with your emotions around the separation, the sooner you are likely to be enter negotiations with a firm idea of your negotiables and non-negotiables regards children and the finances but also to be able to separate the relevant from the irrelevant.

Try To Understand Things From Your Spouse’s Perspective

If you want to have an amicable separation, this is crucial.

At the start of the divorce process, you and your spouse are likely to be in different emotional places. The person who wants the divorce is generally further along the path towards recovery because they have usually had more time to work through their feelings and started to consider an alternative way of living.

The person who did not make the decision to separate is in a completely different place. They may still be dealing with very raw emotions like shock, denial and anger. Whilst in this state, they will find it impossible to make rational decisions as the process is triggering to them. The more you get impatient, the more they are likely to take is as evidence that you do not care, and the more they are likely to avoid dealing with matters or will deal with matters but whilst being propelled by unhelpful emotion.

You may do better exercising a level of patience to give them time to catch up.

Be Respectful

When seeking an amicable divorce, it is important to focus on the best outcome for your long-term future, rather than on your emotions in the moment.

Do not give into the urge to get drawn into fights or conflicts. This will not work in your favour. It may cause constructive negotiation to break down, fracture an already delicate relationship with your spouse and also inadvertently impact on the professional relationship you have with those trying to help you.

If you find yourself unable to speak constructively with your spouse, consider other options. Mediation, Collaborative Law (with your solicitors) may help to avoid Court proceedings but provide a buffer between you and your spouse. Or you may decide that you would prefer your solicitors to write to each other to avoid direct contact altogether if speaking directly actually makes matters more difficult.

Be Prepared To Be Open And Honest About Finances

To come to a fair financial settlement, it is important to be transparent about your assets and finances. If you do not it can create unnecessary delay, lead to contested Court proceedings and possibly to Costs Orders being made against you by the Court. It also exacerbates conflict.

Getting together your financial document can be time consuming but it is necessary. Bear in mind that pension information can sometimes take up to 3 months so organise yourself without delay.

Children

When considering child arrangements, parents should take a practical approach and consider work schedules and distance between respective residences plus distances between those homes and where the children will continue to go to school.

When putting a co-parenting plan together, it is important to consider the details to prevent areas of conflict later down the line. One useful tool for this discussion is to use a parenting plan by downloading one from the Cafcass website.

Knowledge Is Power

Prepare yourself with some basic information so that you go into negotiations with realistic expectations.

The law does not care about who was at fault, the circumstances of your marital breakdown will not affect the outcome. Therefore, concentrate on the future, not the past.

In Court, the starting point for a Judge is to divide the assets equally. However, there are various factors to then take into consideration which may lead to a departure from equality. In most cases, neither of you will be able to go on enjoying the same standard of living as you did during the marriage as the assets are unlikely to allow for this. In most cases, a Court likes to see a clean break between the parties to enable you to move on independently.

If the Court is asked to approve an agreement reached between the parties, the agreement will still need to be fair. It is important that you take independent legal advice before committing to an agreement as if the agreement is outside the Judges remit, or would be deemed unfair, you can prevent delay and save money rather than submit an agreement that is rejected or inadvertently end up at a Court Hearing with the associated legal costs. You also need to make sure that you are not disadvantaged by the terms of the agreement.

However, a clean break does not end your responsibilities for your children. The law always seeks to ensure a home can be provided for any children and that child maintenance is in place. Note that a spouse who stays home to care for the children is deemed to have contributed equally with the spouse who goes out to work. Both parties will have housing needs and the parent with whom the child lives may have a greater need. The shorter the marriage the less likely you will have to share money and property equally, however, the welfare of any children will always take priority.

Pick Your Battles

You are not going to get everything you want in a divorce. You may both have very different ideas about how children and finances should be arranged. So make a clear distinction between what you actually need and what you ideally want. Prioritise what you need.

Also, remember that your legal team is working to secure the best outcome for you. Trust them. Be careful not to redirect the anger you feel towards your spouse towards those that are on your side. It makes no sense but is easily done.

Consider Alternative Dispute Resolution

Collaborative law is a voluntary process where both spouses agree to settle matters out of court through a series of face-to-face settlement meetings, attended with their solicitor. It is often quicker and cheaper than entering the Court arena. You also maintain a level of control and is collaborative rather than adversarial.

Likewise, mediation where an independent third party helps you both to reach an agreement is also a good way to avoid Court proceedings and the Court does, indeed, expect the parties to have engaged in alternative forms of dispute resolution (unless there is good reason not to) before issuing Court proceedings otherwise there could be costs consequences.

Seek Professional Help Where Required

DIY divorces can look appealing but they come with risks and if it all goes wrong you could end up spending more for solicitors to put it right than you would have spent had you taken legal advice to begin with.

To protect yourself and your family in the future, it is important to turn any casual agreement into a binding and enforceable arrangement. For this, you will need the services of a lawyer.

Matrimonial solicitors can advise you as to whether your agreement is fair and sustainable, or if it might make you vulnerable in the future. If you wish, they can also help directly with negotiations. Mainly, however, they help you prevent the many pitfalls of acting in person. However, the more you can communicate and negotiate with your spouse, the more likely it is that you can prevent your legal costs from escalating.